If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize