I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
