Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize