I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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