I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
