i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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