So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We need to rekindle our bromance
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
