got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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