How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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