so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
