good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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