Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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