we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you mean i was at the winter classic?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
