My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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