All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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