she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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