Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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