this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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