I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
