seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
