Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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