Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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