you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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