I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
