shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
