You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
