So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
