More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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