Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
