Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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