If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
