I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
