i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
