Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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