This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
