so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
