1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
