By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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