Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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