well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize