What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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