I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
