a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
