Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
