Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
