Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
