No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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