Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
