true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
