i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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