So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we're so committed to being not committed
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
