I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
