i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
