I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
