Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
how does that bad decision feel?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
