he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
