Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
