i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
