So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
