mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize