I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
