I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
