my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize