eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sober January is a disaster.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
