guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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