I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
