Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
