(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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